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  • Writer's pictureKralingen

Do you take the Red Pill or the Blue Pill?

Updated: Jan 24

It’s crisis... now you have a choice! The Red Pill or the Blue Pill? We’ve narrowed it down to help you choose. Good luck!!!

The Red Pill – The Red Pill means you will face reality. This may sound logical and wise. But do remember that in reality, reality really sucks most of the time. I mean, Neo was cool and all… but do you really want to get the crap beaten out of you while saving a world full of happy Blue-Pill-takers? Is it really worth it? Be honest!

The Blue Pill – The Blue Pill means you will stay in denial. That may sound illogical and unwise. But there are undeniable advantages to denial. For instance; you can keep living in your head! And in your head, there is a really loud, angry and scared voice screaming to you that everything will return to exactly the way it was! Trust me, listening to that voice makes you look very, very sane and not bat-shit crazy at all. And that froth around your mouth is just a normal side-effect of the Blue Pill. Be honest!

You should take the Red Pill if…

  • You want to help others, Earth and yourself through this tough time

You should take the Blue Pill if…

  • You think the media is to blame

  • You think social media - which you’re on right now - is also to blame

  • In general, your feelings are just stronger than scientific facts

  • You believe mindfulness stops viruses

  • You think social distancing is about you

  • You like comparing the lock-down to Nazi Germany (feels good, doesn’t it?)

  • You use remote, sparsely populated places like 'Iceland', 'Sweden' or 'Antarctica' as a way to end all discussion

  • You think cutting down rain-forests will not reveal new deadly viruses

  • You feel that the new 5G caused the virus and not 3,5 billion years of evolution

  • Or the other side... you consider 5G’s one hundred (!) times higher electromagnetism quite healthy for your soul

  • You think a vaccine is just a few weeks away

  • You forgot that aside from Bill Gates, tens of thousands of virologists have been warning us about deadly viruses for decades

  • The moment your balls-to-the-wall-lunatic Bill Gates theory gets deemed 'not helpful', you actually believe freedom of speech is now in danger

  • In general, you think expressing your freedom of speech automatically means you are right...

  • ...or free for that matter

  • You don't really miss bars, restaurants, clubs, theaters, cinema's, barbecues and festivals

  • You've reached Netflix level 6 and desperately need this lock-down to continue to reach level 7

  • You think everything moving online is a good thing

  • You think privacy will not be affected by the crisis

  • You name your kid XÆA-12 and wonder why people are screaming 'child abuse'

  • You think that air travel will soon return to normal

  • You feel that health care workers are overrated anyway

  • You think 'it's just the flu'

  • You think the economy was going in the right direction before the crisis

  • You just know in your heart you understand it all better than the doctors

  • You think the extra heat coming from global warming is 'good for summer'

  • You believe fossil fuels will last forever

  • You hadn't notice the clean air

  • You've become weirdly curious about how bats would taste

  • You missed the irony in the fact that the virus spreads fastest in meat packaging plants

  • You thought my butt-bump-to-keep-distance was lame (yeah, I know who you are, pocks on you!!! My butt-bump rules!!!)

  • You’re surprised that the world isn't cured by you chanting 'Ohmmmmm' all day

  • You think Obamagate is a thing

  • You now officially deem drug dealers as essential workers

  • You're immune to anxiety

  • You've just finally realized Trump is truly making things great again, greater even than The Great Depression

  • You measure your dick by crowd size

  • You think protesting in a crowd does not spread viruses

  • Or the other way around... you think the protests against the vile and sickening racism at display everywhere around you, should not take place

  • You think race issues are actually about skin color, instead of your fear

  • You think white privilege is about the background color of your phone

  • You look down on other people from your yoga mat, even if those 'others' have just risked their lives supplying you with your daily shot of quinoa

  • You think bleach is the cure

  • You feel the government should hand out boxing sacks to vent anger (oh wait, might that actually belong to the Red Pill?)

  • You feel name calling online does not make you a bully

  • You thought you'd do yoga everyday during the lock-down

  • You thought you'd stop drinking during the lock-down

  • You thought you'd have more sex during the lock-down

  • You took that other blue pill, because you thought you were gonna have more sex, and now that boner won't go away

  • You took both pills simultaneously

  • You, on day one of the lock-down, crawled under a bear skin with your bow and arrow in hand and sat luring out the window behind a gigantic barricade of toilet paper (okay, okay, I admit, that was me...)

  • You're fully prepared for the zombie apocalypse

  • You think 'underlying conditions' is about STD's

  • You still somehow miraculously haven't gained more respect for teachers

  • You hadn't noticed that countries with 'strongmen' leaders are doing the worst

  • You pronounced hydroxychloroquine correctly on your first go

  • You are totally convinced Darwin said 'survival of the fittest' and not 'the most adaptable to change'

  • You think you’re still not an internet troll, even when your conspiracy theory is flagged for trolling

  • You think the stock market doing well isn't due to bankers being bored with the lock-down

  • You like going back to the office (okay... that one is under the belt... I kinda like it too)

  • You think animals in the zoo miss you and your kids staring at them

  • In general, you think animals, or Earth for that matter, will miss humanity

  • You just can't seem to understand what all the fuss is about

  • You thought to yourself 'So long, and thanks for all the fish!'

  • (If you didn't understand that last one, for crying out loud, read the damn Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy already!)

  • You suddenly realized that hairdressers are the most vital workers of them all

  • You're surprised your package didn't arrive the next day

  • You think getting the virus is a choice

  • You think reality is in denial of us

  • You feel the worst is behind us

  • You’re on social media all the time, but of course you’re not bored...

  • ...or addicted...

  • ...or scared...

  • You went to stockpile toilet paper, while you kept saying – wide eyed and flabbergasted – to everybody just how crazy stockpiling toilet paper is...

…and you thought Mother Earth would never strike back.

Enjoy your choice! And yes, of course.

I took the blue pill.

Rogier van Kralingen


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